Hanging Up My Pom Poms.

I was never going to be a cheerleader. Wow. I am so glad I could finally get that off my chest. I discovered this revelation sitting in my unmade bed with coffee stains decorating my PJs while watching Netflix’s new documentary series “America’s Sweethearts: Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.” My hair is stiff with dry shampoo, and zit cream healing my pores. Watching women who are doctors, nurses, teachers and everything else combined high kick their asses off. This show is great. It's hard to watch in full transparency. It makes you question why these women do this. They get paid little to nothing, they deal with critiques and immense pressure every day from their coaches. Most of these women have full-time jobs, this is not their only job but it is not a hobby, it’s a passion and dream. They are living their dream. It's beautiful till it's not. Before I get into anything else I just want to say watch this show it's great. Ok, now spoilers ahead. 

In the last episode, something terrible happens to one of the women, it's awful, disturbing, and not surprising at all. It changes the trajectory of that episode in a split second. The women become angry, pissed. Their pageant smiles disappear and within moments they become a wall of support. A sisterhood of artists and athletes protecting their own. I think that's why I relate so much to this show. I know this sisterhood well. 

There is a line that is sticking to my chest. At the end of the show, a cheerleader by the name of Victoria says the following “ Yes I can prove them wrong and I would love to but I don’t need to.” And then what follows is a cascade of women sitting in front of the camera taking their makeup off while “Girls just wanna have fun” plays and I sob. I sob profusely and can't stop. Writing this right now makes me tear up. What Victoria said in that quick little snippet of voice-over was so incredibly freeing. I find myself in a constant state of proving. Whether it’s proving friends, enemies, family, or the worst, myself. I am always trying to prove myself in some capacity. It’s exhausting. It's annoying and it's wrong. This idea of proving someone or something wrong or just handing out proof of purpose or self-worth is silly. I say all of this but I am a hypocrite. So don’t be fooled. 

Ok so here I go. I am no longer going to prove myself. I’m hanging up my pom poms. I am retiring my cheer boots and I am taking a break. Don’t ask what I am taking a break from cause I don’t know quite yet but I do know that I am not going to try to prove ANYONE, especially myself wrong. Cause in the words of Victoria I don’t need to. What do I need? I don’t know quite yet. Maybe I need to fall in love or eat really good ice cream. Or maybe I need to start yoga, or just stretch more. Maybe I should go away for a while, or buy a new wardrobe. The list is endless of what might I need. Might is the key word. I won’t know my might until I let go of this desire to prove. I am not going to be a cheerleader and that's ok.